


Phosphenes

by rikke_leonhart



Series: Episode Reaction Fics [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-18 20:42:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9402149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rikke_leonhart/pseuds/rikke_leonhart
Summary: Post-S02E03: Alec might have been the one dying, but it’s Magnus who isn’t okay.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I can't imagine Magnus taking it too well, being told that he can't help Alec, and then realizing it's beyond him. For as powerful as he is, it has to absolutely gut him seeing Alec die in front of him. I also think that Alec might not realize this. (And Magnus and Izzy bonding is like, my second favorite thing about this show.)  
> Also: I'm gloriously unspoiled for all upcoming episodes and would prefer remaining that way <3

*  
  
When he wakes again, it’s to Izzy, pale and solemn but smiling, he knows, just for his sake. “Hey,” she says. “How are you feeling?”  
  
He shrugs – how is he supposed to feel? He’s exhausted; Izzy informed him in no uncertain terms that his body had been failing in all the ways a body can fail, following the piece of his soul that belongs to Jace. He feels like he’s been running marathons with no goal. “Alright,” he says and Izzy grimaces and looks down. “Hey.”  
  
She only looks up briefly, but her smile turns a touch more genuine. “You’re not allowed to do that anymore. That’s it. Done.”  
  
He wishes he could promise her, but he can’t. In their line of work, there’s no such thing as promises of safety. He doesn’t know how he’d have reacted if it had been her lying prone and nearing death despite all their best efforts.  
  
When he reaches for her, she reaches right back and grips his hand tightly with both of hers. Something rattles faintly in the background and they both look in that direction, but nothing more happens. Izzy looks down again, her mouth downturned in a way Alec’s been seeing too much of in recent years. “You okay?”  
  
Her smile is more for show and less for herself this time, but it holds. “You just rest and feel better, okay? We’ll get you back to the Institute when you’re strong enough to portal, but for now, just stay here.”  
  
“You brought me here,” he points out. “Clearly my strength has nothing to do with bringing me back. We could’ve gone back with them when they took Jace.” It’s a token protest; he honestly doesn’t feel like going anywhere as long as his muscles feel like they’ve been torn from his bones and stitched back. Resting sounds wonderful, but his every instinct demand that he goes back and fights for Jace, it’s just not an option right now. That doesn’t mean he’ll have to like it. Besides, the fact that he actually knows where Jace is, is doing wonders for his sanity.  
  
At least he won’t be alone.  
  
“Where’s Magnus?”  
  
He’d woken up in Magnus’ apartment and hadn’t even been surprised. He can’t count the times he’s been here anymore, and he doesn’t want to keep count either. It’s just that he hasn’t seen Magnus since the Clave showed up and took Jace away, and he’d thought he’d be here. At least, stay close by.  
  
Izzy grimaces again. “He’s… around,” she says vaguely. She evidently catches his look, so she admits; “He’s asleep. Like you should be, too. For some reason, he went without fuss when I suggested it.”  
  
Alec privately thinks that Magnus not being here is kind of disconcerting. “Is he alright?”  
  
“Worry about yourself for a little bit,” Izzy says and tilts her head like she does when she’s worn down to the bones, tired and still soldiering on because there’s still work to do. It’s telling that she doesn’t answer the question, because she’s always been a terrible liar.  
  
“Izzy.”  
  
She sighs. “Let’s just say that he’s not feeling too warm and fuzzy about Shadowhunters these days, and if he could, he’d probably grab _you_ and leave the Clave to fend for themselves. I wouldn’t want to piss him off, that’s all I’m saying.”  
  
Ouch. “What happened?”  
  
“For starters, he threw Raj against a wall,” she says and Alec can feel his jaw drop.  
  
“What?”  
  
Izzy nods. “Yeah, I think he’d have turned Raj into something very unpleasant if I hadn’t stopped him. He’s kind of hot when he’s angry, though.”  
  
“Thank you,” Magnus says from the doorway and Izzy grins, and it’s finally reaching her eyes as she turns to look at Magnus. “You’re not too bad yourself. And no, I wouldn’t have turned him into anything, that’d have been a waste of magic and I’m sort of low on that account at the moment.”  
  
Izzy squeezes his hand and then lets go. “I need to go back, okay? Try not to fall comatose in the meantime. I will actually kick your ass and I know a few people who’d help me.”  
  
“Let’s not,” Magnus says, “after all the effort we just spent on bringing him back. At least wait until I’m actually able to do something. Give me a few hours and something to eat and we’ll go.”  
  
Alec frowns. “What?”  
  
Magnus’ smile is wry around the edges. “Keeping you alive is hard work, Alexander.”  
  
“That’s my cue,” Izzy says and gets to her feet. “Stay alive,” she orders with a quick smile before going over to Magnus, and her hand coming to rest on his forearm is gentle in its touch, affectionate and heavy with something Alec seriously doesn’t have the energy to puzzle put. What on earth has been going on while he was out?  
  
“I’ll follow you out,” Magnus offers and as they walk out of sight, Alec realizes that not even once did Magnus look directly at him. That is so unlike him, who is always looking at Alec like he’s never seen anything or anyone like him, and is looking at Alec like Alec’s never been looked at before. Magnus looks at Alec like he means it and feels it.  
  
He slumps back on the couch, and he’d know this couch even with his eyes closed. He hears the murmurs of Izzy and Magnus by the door, and he considers briefly trying to eavesdrop, but his tired limbs convince him it’s a bad idea. The front door opens and closes with a click and then there are footsteps coming back, and he looks over to see Magnus coming back to the living room.  
  
“Magnus,” he says and Magnus looks over at him, finally.  
  
“Is there anything I can get you?” Magnus says back. “I’ll whip something up if you’re hungry.”  
  
“There’s food at the Institute,” he points out and Magnus rolls his eyes.  
  
“If it’s all the same to you, I do prefer my own fridge. Besides, unlike at the Institute, there’s peace and quiet here to actually eat and not run around yelling about demons.”  
  
He remembers a conversation in this apartment, on this exact couch, just a few days ago, where it seemed like all Magnus wanted was Alec to be happy, and if that wasn’t an option, then he wanted Alec rested and well-fed instead.  
  
“Don’t worry,” Magnus continues, “the wards are up and no one gets in that aren’t invited. You can rest easy.”  
  
“I feel like I shouldn’t sleep anymore,” he says and it’s true. He wants to be up – he wants to go to Jace. He wants to go to Izzy and figure out what to do, but his body is telling him all the various degrees it’s unhappy with him at the moment. His body wants sleep. His brain wants action.  
  
His body is winning.  
  
“You might not want it, but you need it,” Magnus says and steps closer for the first time and Alec is struck with the realization that he hasn’t seen Magnus look this worn before. Not even saving Luke’s life (which at the time had seemed rather dramatic until he’d realized that Magnus wasn’t falling over just to get his attention) had seemed this tiring to him despite Magnus ending up on the floor that time. Or maybe he had this time, too, but Alec’s been out of it for long enough to feel completely out of the loop.  
  
He wonders how it feels for Magnus to be almost drained of magic, of protection. It must be crippling in some ways yet he seems oddly calm and unconcerned. On the other hand, Magnus is by far the most powerful warlock he’s ever met, probably one of the most powerful _people_ he’s ever met, so maybe that explains how he seems rather blasé about things he deems trivial like _personal safety_.  
  
Despite his body’s protests, Alec feels a surge of protection in his chest, blooming hotly in his ribcage.  
  
Well, if Alec is Magnus’ best protection right now, then so be it.  
  
“I’ll let you get some sleep, I shouldn’t keep you up,” Magnus says and moves a step backward, but before he can go any further, Alec says, “Come closer. Please.”  
  
Magnus seems torn, which hurts in ways Alec doesn’t want to consider right now.  
  
“Magnus.”  
  
There is always something very deliberate about the way Magnus moves, as if he’s in total control of his every minute motion, of every bone and every muscle, but the way he moves now seems more careful and more restrained, tightly leashed.  
  
“Tell me what’s wrong,” he says. “And sit down. Okay?”  
  
At every other time he’s talked to Magnus, whether he wanted to or not, Magnus has always been direct and unashamed about what he wants from Alec and how Alec makes him feel, but he seems oddly hesitant. He comes to him, eventually, and sits down on the edge of the cushions.  
  
“It’s fine,” Magnus says. “I’m just about burnt out, so I’m unfortunately not a brilliant host for you. I meant it when I said I needed something to eat.”  
  
“So what you’re saying is that you’re cranky,” Alec translates in hopes that he can get Magnus to show something else than this carefully constructed face. “You’re fine, I’m not demanding anything from you.”  
  
The look on Magnus’ face says that Alec isn’t entirely right on that account, but he’s not awake enough to even attempt puzzling out what that means to him.  
  
“What do you want to eat?”  
  
Alec supposes he’s not getting more out of Magnus at the moment, and he’ll have to settle for that. That doesn’t mean he’s letting go of it, but something in Magnus’ entire stance, in how his world-weary eyes are just a little heavier than usual makes him back off. It seems like neither of them are fully able to have this conversation right now, and whatever it is that they are to each other deserves better.  
  
_They_ deserve better.  
  
“Whatever you’re having is fine,” Alec says.  
  
Magnus raises an eyebrow. “Adventurous. And brave.”  
  
“Can I help?”  
  
“Can you stand?”  
  
Touché. “I think so.” His muscles of jelly can surely carry him to the kitchen.  
  
Magnus is amused now, thank god, his eyes lit up. “Can you cook?”  
  
“I can burn water really well,” Alec reveals and Magnus grins.  
  
“Well, you’ll be a really pretty decorative piece while I make us something, I suppose. I’ll have to warn you, my standard right now reaches to edible and not much more.”  
  
“I can live with that.”  
  
“Let’s hope. We didn’t bring you back just so you could die from my cooking,” Magnus returns and stands to offer him a hand up. “People don’t usually die when I’ve been in the kitchen.”  
  
It takes a moment, but when he’s finally on his feet, he gets his bearings and looks down at Magnus, who seems more on edge than usual, despite the tiredness lingering in his stance and his eyes.  
  
“Okay?” Magnus asks. “How’s the world looking vertically?”  
  
“Do you have a chair in the kitchen?”  
  
Magnus rolls his eyes, an _of course, what do you take me for, you barbarian_ , etched into that gesture. He lets go of Alec and goes to the kitchen, a scraping sound the only evidence that he’s there – true enough, when Alec gets to the kitchen, there’s a bar stool waiting for him. Sitting down is heavenly and Alec is too tired to feel embarrassed about it.  
  
He doesn’t even ask what Magnus is making, because it smells good and looks like it’s something with eggs. That’s good enough for Alec and he’s not expecting a culinary adventure.  
  
It’s not often that Alec lets himself just look at him – mostly, there’s just no time. It’s a poor excuse, especially because he always feels Magnus’ gaze on him like a brand, but as Magnus cooks and seems quite determined not to look at Alec for whatever reason he’s going with, it offers Alec the opportunity to just _look_. For once, it’s his turn.  
  
Alec isn’t used to the feeling of want, of his fingers twitching with want for touch, of the naked affection that startles him with every breath. He hasn’t had this before Magnus – Magnus is a lot of firsts for him, this being only one of them. He thinks he’ll have to get used to this; this want of touch and at the same time feeling unsure of his welcome, of what he’ll be allowed, of how much he’ll allow himself.  
  
Right now, he can look.  
  
Magnus looks young, still, and he’ll look this way until he dies. _If_ he dies. He’s strong, deceptively so, but his strength is so much more than just his body. Alec has met several warlocks before, but no one has seemed to be as playful as Magnus is, like the power just dances at his fingertips without thought, the way his eyes glitter like a cat’s in the night. He carries the weight of immortality with ease but more and more, Alec sees the traces of sadness, or melancholy, in everything he says and does, and… Alec would like to know. He’d like to know who Magnus mourns for, who he smiles for like he means it, who he’d lay his life down for and who he laughs with and cries with.  
  
He is devastatingly handsome.  
  
Magnus turns by the stove and he smiles just as he raises an eyebrow. “Hm? You doing alright?”  
  
There’s something about Magnus now, as if he’s been punched with something he can’t shake, as if something is wearing him down even as he smiles and says he’s fine. Magnus has always been upfront with him and with what he wants from Alec, and if what Magnus needs right now is just to make sure Alec is fine, then so be it. There’ll be time for the questions later, preferably when Alec isn’t keeling over, Jace isn’t labelled a traitor and Magnus isn’t trying his best to appear solid.  
  
“Hungry,” he says and Magnus smiles.  
  
There’ll be time for gratitude later, for how to appreciate someone fighting for your life, for how to get off your ass and ask someone out on a date.  
  
They’ll make it.  
  
*


End file.
